Counseling might be difficult

I have no idea how counseling works. I went to my second regular appointment today, before that, I'd had two intake interviews.

I think that counseling might be difficult. The last time I went, I was sad for five hours, I counted, and I wasn't even thinking about the stuff we talked about. It's been four and a half hours since my appointment today, and I'm hoping the sadness lifts soon.

This sadness feels very physical. My mind isn't whirling or anything. I'm not obsessing over any thoughts. I feel soreness in my legs, my throat hurts, I feel tension in my head, a headache like I got before I started wearing glasses. I just took two ibuprofin.

I know I shouldn't drink right now. I want to. I know it would be bad. I'm not drinking, but mainly because I'm on Clonazepam, and I hear that just a little alcohol will get me very tipsy. I have to grade a lot of papers tonight. Pity those students!

I feel this bad sometimes, with no obvious cue. It's entirely possible that my sad mood right now is, you know, my regular depression.

I don't know if it's a coincidence, or if the counseling is digging up deep stuff. It's funny, because I pretty much just talk for my 45 minutes, and sometimes my counselor asks a question or suggests something, or frowns sympathetically. I have deep, honest conversations with friends frequently, I'm very candid, and some are insightful enough to dig very deep and find difficult things for me to deal with. Maybe it's that I see my counselor as an authority figure, or that I see counseling as a special time, or maybe my counselor has some sublimely deep insights that don't seem as deep as they are when I hear them, but bother me later into working out some subconscious issue.

I have no idea. Maybe it's just a coincidence that I feel exhausted right now. Maybe I'll be in a positively chipper mood after the next session. Or, maybe I'll feel miserable after the next session, but maybe that's what getting better feels like.